| Fish Tank Clan :: Forums :: General Forums :: Schooling Fish |
|
« Previous topic | Next topic » |
| Jokes and funny things thread. | ||
| Author | Post | ||
| scope_uk |
|
||
scope_uk
Registered Member #389
Joined: Thu Aug 17 2006, 10:20PMPosts: 598 |
First off where did that jokes thread/sticky thing go? Maybe a mod can make this into a sticky and edit my post accordingly. Some very old ones. A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what? A little girls walks in when her dad is showering *pointing to his crotch* "what's that daddy" "oh that's my ....erm action man, yes my action man" later that night a hell of a storm brewed up the little girl ran into her fathers bedroom asking if she could sleep with him tonight. "Of course you can" He fell asleep a few moments later. The following morning he woke up in hospital with no recognition of what happened, he turned to his daughter. "What happened darling" "Well I was playing with Action Man and he spat at me, so I bit his head off" A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job." As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins" A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!" Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!" People carry it on  Old or new doesn't really matter (at least if they're funny) Edited Wed Nov 21 2007, 09:44PM |
||
| Back to top |
|
||
| A Drunk |
|
||
Registered Member #437
Joined: Sat Sep 23 2006, 02:18AMPosts: 1224 |
those were all funny scope. | ||
| Back to top |
|
||
| Madvillain |
|
||
Registered Member #445
Joined: Sun Oct 01 2006, 11:42PMPosts: 2233 |
seeking to get some votes by posting funny jokes? well done scope |
||
| Back to top |
|
||
| Kcow |
|
||
Registered Member #643
Joined: Tue Apr 10 2007, 04:44PMPosts: 1921 |
This jokes were stolen from the United Sexy Salami Rafflers secret research facility | ||
| Back to top |
|
||
| scope_uk |
|
||
|
scope_uk
Registered Member #389
Joined: Thu Aug 17 2006, 10:20PM Posts: 598 |
Seeing as no one is following suit An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole." A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldnt because she didnt have any clothes on. He replies,Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!ï She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "Im sorry, I think he's too far in." One day this girl goes to her father, "Dad, I really want to see that movie that just came out, can I please go watch it." The dad replies, "Only if you suck my dick." the girl refuses but says, "please dad, I really really really want to go to the movies." The dad says again, "Only if you suck my dick, then Ill take you." Eventually the girl gives in and sucks his chop. As soon as she does, she leaps back and goes "Eewwww, it tastes like shit!", so the dad says, "Yeah, your brother wanted to go to the movies too." A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus" With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver." Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go? The first whispers back: It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed! A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp if said Wy. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a Wy on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy to and the waiter said no mine says Welcome to Jamaica man have a nice day!!! Edited Thu Nov 22 2007, 12:12AM |
||
| Back to top |
|
||
| Wildcard23 |
|
||
Registered Member #514
Joined: Wed Dec 20 2006, 06:33AMPosts: 1067 |
ROFL at your jokes Scope!!! I'll post a few when I get some free time once I'm back in DC from vacation. I also went ahead and stickied this thread for you. Hopefully it will stay active with everyone's participation. 
|
||
| Back to top |
|
||
| slick |
|
||
Registered Member #877
Joined: Tue Oct 02 2007, 07:21PMPosts: 663 |
loll crazy jokes, but funny lol
|
||
| Back to top |
|
||
| scope_uk |
|
||
|
scope_uk
Registered Member #389
Joined: Thu Aug 17 2006, 10:20PM Posts: 598 |
I'm running out of good ones >.< This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard. A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..." Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly died The first month went by and it was really awful; second month was really bad; third month was almost unbearable; fourth month rolls around and the guys couldn't handle it anymore so they buried her. There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!" |
||
| Back to top |
|
||
| A Drunk |
|
||
|
Registered Member #437
Joined: Sat Sep 23 2006, 02:18AM Posts: 1224 |
scope_uk wrote ... It is supposed to be she wants to go to prom and the brother wanted to borrow the car.
One day this girl goes to her father, "Dad, I really want to see that movie that just came out, can I please go watch it." The dad replies, "Only if you suck my dick." the girl refuses but says, "please dad, I really really really want to go to the movies." The dad says again, "Only if you suck my dick, then Ill take you." Eventually the girl gives in and sucks his chop. As soon as she does, she leaps back and goes "Eewwww, it tastes like shit!", so the dad says, "Yeah, your brother wanted to go to the movies too." |
||
| Back to top |
|
||
| Madvillain |
|
||
|
Registered Member #445
Joined: Sun Oct 01 2006, 11:42PM Posts: 2233 |
There was a big huge Mexican guy siting at a bar having a few drinks. In walks this obviously gay guy, who sits right next to him. After the guy knocks a few beers back, he musters up enough courage to ask the mexican guy a question. He leans over whispers in the Mexican's ear "do you want a blowjob"? With that the Mexican guy jumps up furious, and beats the SHIT out of the gay guy. Kicking him, punching him, and eventually throwing him out the bar. The bartender, surprised, says "Damn man i never seen u so pissed off like that before!! what did that guy say to you????" The Mexican guy goes "I dont know, something about a job" Edited Tue Dec 18 2007, 08:08AM |
||
| Back to top |
|
||
Powered by e107 Forum System
|
|