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The Original MilfHunter
Registered Member #163
Joined: Mon Mar 06 2006, 02:24PMPosts: 1592 |
Here's a few jokes,,, enjoy  Jerry’s at the urinal in an airport restroom when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, "Hey, buddy–can you help me out here?" Though he feels uneasy, Jerry bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, and reaches in to pull out the guy’s penis. Much to his horror, it’s hideous. It’s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful. Imagining the kudos he’ll get on Judgment Day, Jerry holds the man’s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man’s pants and zips him up. The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." "No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask—What the hell’s wrong with your johnson?" The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it." Q: What’s the correct way to eat a frog? A: Put its legs behind its ears. A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral sex on his wife. The woman at the front desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319. The man walked into the room and met the lady of the evening. He told her why he was there, so she gave him a few pointers and then told him to go for it. So, the man began performing oral sex and he was, by her reaction, pretty good at it. But something strange happened. A couple of minutes into the deed, he felt something in his mouth. He spit it into his hand and found a piece of carrot. "Oh man, that's nasty!" he thought, but he said nothing and continued. A couple of minutes later, he came up with a pea. "Damn, can't take much more of this. There's something wrong with this bitch." But again, he said nothing and gave it one more shot. A couple of minutes later, he came up with a piece of chicken. He couldn't stand it any longer. "I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna throw up!" "That's funny," remarked the hooker, "that's what the last guy did." A little boy was walking down the street and he found a condom, which he thought was a "twinkie" He picked it up. A second or two later a teenage boy ran up to him and said,"I'll give ya a buck for that thang in your hand!" The little boy quickly obliged. When he got home he asked his mom to take him to the store because he had money. His mom asked him where he got the money. He said: "I found a twinkie and sold it to a boy, but I got the best of the deal. I had already sucked the cream filling out of it!" After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse. He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left. He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room. To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life. Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells, "Hey Charlie....... The dead one's full again!" A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor. The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them." The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck." Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world". "Why is that?" said the other tramp. "Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a 20$. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days." The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days." "Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?" "Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head." This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest whore house and says to the man working there, "Look, I'm really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?" "Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I'll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I'll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!" The horny man agrees and goes two doors down on the right with the black condom on and the lights out. A while later he comes back out and says to the man working there, "Man, that was the best sex I've ever had, but why did I have to wear the black condom?" "Well, you gotta show some respect for the dead!" Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle." "What," the other asks, "green?". "No," says the first, " a bit sour." Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14." what's the difference between a dead baby and a sports car? I don't have a sports car in my garage. Q. What's better than winning in the special Olympics? A. Having legs What did one paedophile say to another? I'll swap you two fives for a ten. A woman goes the doctors. Woman : I'm feeling a bit run down. Doctor : Well I'll take some blood tests and take it from there. A Week Later Doctor : I think you better sit down, I've got some news. It looks like you'll have to get used to changing nappies. Woman : What? I'm pregnant. Doctor : No, you've got bowel cancer. Bloke - 'Hi Boss, I can't come in to work today; I'm sick' Boss - 'How sick are you?' Bloke - 'Well, I'm in bed with my twelve year old son' How do you know when you're kid sister's started her period. Your Dad's dick tastes different. 6 yr old boy goes to his dad and asks " daddy can you teach me a magic trick, dad replies " sorry son ask your mum. So the boy ask his MUM "can you teach me a magic trick", mum replies " sorry son ask your grandpa" Boy ask his grandpa "can you teach me a magic trick" grandpa saids "yes", Grandpa saids to the boy "take of your pants and undies", Grandpa saids to the boy "can you feel my finger up your bum?" Boy saids "yes" gandpa saids to the boy, "look no hands". Little Timmy is walking home from school when a paedophile stops in his car right next to the boy and winds down his window and says to the little boy. "will you come in my car if i give you a sweet?" to which little Timmy replies "fucking hell mister i will cum in your mouth if you give me the whole bag!" A man takes a vacation to Miami beach. He sits down in his chair, he hears this girl with no arms or legs crying. He goes up 2 her and asks her what’s wrong, she says “I’ve never been Hugged B4, so he picks her up gives her a hug and puts her back down and goes back 2 his chair. After 5 min. she starts crying again the man goes up 2 her and asks her What’s WRONG NOW? She says I’ve never been kissed b4, he picks her up kisses her and puts her back down. After 10 min. she was crying again he goes over and asks WHATS UR FUKIN PROBLEM NOW? She says I’ve never been fucked B4, so he picks her up throws her in the ocean and says “ there NOW UR FUCKED†. There was this family in the back woods of Lousiana who had a daughter who had just learned to drive. One night she asks "Dad can I borrow the car tonight?" Her dad looks at her and says "OK, but you know what you have to do first." She nods her head, pulls out his cock and begins sucking on it. After a few seconds she stops and yells angrily, "Dad that’s not fair! You already gave the car to my brother Jimmy" "How did you know?" asks her Dad. She replies, "Cause your dick tastes like shit"... How do you make a 4 year old cry twice? Rub your bloody cock all over her teddy bear. What is black and blue and hates sex? The 10 year old in my basement There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him, because he was dressed in really colorful clothing. He had all this colorful make-up on, and his hair was spiked up with red,green,& yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin'at,eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son. A guy calls a buddy, who is a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. The horse rancher asks "How will I recognize him?" That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." The midget goes there, and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." He shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? He picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"? A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun." The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic." "Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing. "What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!" "That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party." Moses and Jesus were playing golf. They reached the water hazard and Jesus took out his 9 iron and addressed the ball. "Hold it!" yelled Moses, "That's too far. You need to use a wood for that shot." "No," replied Jesus, "I saw Tiger Woods make this shot with a 9 iron on TV last Sunday." Jesus swung at the ball, and "kerplunk" it went right in the middle of the water hazard. Moses parted the water and Jesus fetched His ball. He set up the ball and again took out His 9 iron. "Hold it!" yelled Moses, "I already told You that You need a wood for that shot." "No," replied Jesus, "Tiger Woods made this shot with a wood on TV last Sunday." "OK," said Moses, "But I'm not helping You get Your ball this time." Jesus swung at the ball, and again it went "kerplunk" right in the middle of the water hazard. Jesus started walking across the water to retrieve His ball. About that time a foursome played up. When they saw Jesus walking on the water they asked Moses: "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" "Hell no," replied Moses, "He thinks He's Tiger Woods." What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor? An erection. Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything." Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch. He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has asian eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "WHEW!" says the girl extremely relieved... "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!" What's the best thing about an Ethiopian blowjob? You know she'll swallow. Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness. They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!" The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog." What sound does a baby in a blender make? I don't know, I was too busy masturbating. Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world". "Why is that?" said the other tramp. "Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days." The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days." "Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?" "Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head." A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance. The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?" The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke." The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke." She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth." boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!" The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home." Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for." "That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me." A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "What's that?" The mom answers, "A vagina." And the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?" And the mom answers, "As soon as you grow up." Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, "What's that?" And the dad answers, "A penis." So the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?" And the the dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work." It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife is at the hospital in labor having their first child. He rushes to the hospital, and goes to his wife's side. She has already had the child. He goes to the nursery to see the baby. He spots the name on a crib and motions to the nurse. She points at the crib and Joe says, "Yes, he's my son." The nurse picks up the baby and drops it on the floor. Joe is aghast. The nurse says, "Don't worry." She picks up the baby and slaps it hard across the face several times. Joe turns white in horror as she throws the baby across the nursery. Joe is about to faint as she holds the baby by it's testicles and swings it around her head. Joe screams, "Stop you're kiling my baby!!!!" The nurse responds, "April Fools... It was born dead..." These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. Hhe says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!" An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says "seven points." His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score." After about ten minutes later he old man farts again and says, Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7. Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score." The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides." Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, ‘You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.’ Janet responded, ‘Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's ‘politically correct’ for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.’ Hillary asked, ‘Well,... how do you deal with the problem?’ ‘Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can.’ That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolled over and asked, ‘Janet, is that you?’ While waiting at the playground, two pedaphiles are talking about how young they like their girls. Pedaphile 1 says "Well I always use the phrase ... old enough to bleed, old enough to breed" Pedaphile 2 says "That's pretty good but I prefer the phrase ... old enough to pee, old enough for me" Husband wakes at 5 in the morning feeling realy horny, He nudges his wife and says,"honey give me a blow job." His wife says, "sweetheart im tired, just have a wank in a glass and ill drink it in the morning." Q: How do you know if you're at a gay picnic? A: The hotdogs all taste like shit! A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "How much?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I ca n't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,"$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again." A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25." Guy takes his wife to the Doctor... The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS." "What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?" "Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her." At the last minute, a man got a ticket to the Superbowl. He seat, however, was in the nosebleed section. At one point during the game, he looks way down and sees an empty seat, right on the 50 yard line a few rows up. He walks down and asks the man sitting next to the empty seat if anyone was sitting there. He replies that it used to be his wife's seat, but she recently passed away. The other man replies, "wow I'm so sorry to hear that, but you don't have anyone to give the ticket to? I mean this is an amazing seat!" The man replies, "I do, but they are all at my wife's funeral." There are three daughters getting ready for school. The first daughter walks in the kitchen where her dad is eating breakfast. "Good morning, Rose" her dad said. "Daddy why is my name Rose?" she asked. "Because when you first came out of the hospital, a rose petal fell on your head." The next daughter comes down, and the dad said, "Good morning Lily." "Dad why is my name Lily?" "Because when you first came out of the hospital, a lily petal fell on your head," the dad replied. The third daughter walked down the stairs, saying "rrrrerrrerererrrrrerrrrerrrr." The dad said, "Shut up brick." What did the girl with no arms and no legs get for christmas? Cancer A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around." One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from." Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from." Q: Why did the Priest go to Walmart? A: He wanted to get boys pants "half" off John calls in to his job: "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work." The boss says: "You know John, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that." 2 hours later John calls: "Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house." Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job", Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE dick. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?" Barry Joseph called his doctor and began shouting hysterically down the line. “Help me doctor. What on earth shall I do? My 5 year old son David has just swallowed a condom.†“Don’t worry, I’ll be right over.†Just as the doctor was leaving the office, the phone rang. It was Barry again. He said â€Don’t worry doctor, I found another one.†Why is there always hot water at childbirth? In case of a stillbirth, soup. If a tree falls on a baby in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, is it still hilarious? What do you call a dead baby with its skin peeled off? Sexy. What's the difference between a dead baby and a table? You can't fuck a table. |
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That one guy...
Registered Member #250
Joined: Tue May 09 2006, 11:59PMPosts: 2603 |
BuBBLe GooSe wrote ... my fav's.A man takes a vacation to Miami beach. He sits down in his chair, he hears this girl with no arms or legs crying. He goes up 2 her and asks her what’s wrong, she says “I’ve never been Hugged B4, so he picks her up gives her a hug and puts her back down and goes back 2 his chair. After 5 min. she starts crying again the man goes up 2 her and asks her What’s WRONG NOW? She says I’ve never been kissed b4, he picks her up kisses her and puts her back down. After 10 min. she was crying again he goes over and asks WHATS UR FUKIN PROBLEM NOW? She says I’ve never been fucked B4, so he picks her up throws her in the ocean and says “ there NOW UR FUCKED A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun." The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic." "Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing. "What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!" "That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party." Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything." Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch. He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife is at the hospital in labor having their first child. He rushes to the hospital, and goes to his wife's side. She has already had the child. He goes to the nursery to see the baby. He spots the name on a crib and motions to the nurse. She points at the crib and Joe says, "Yes, he's my son." The nurse picks up the baby and drops it on the floor. Joe is aghast. The nurse says, "Don't worry." She picks up the baby and slaps it hard across the face several times. Joe turns white in horror as she throws the baby across the nursery. Joe is about to faint as she holds the baby by it's testicles and swings it around her head. Joe screams, "Stop you're kiling my baby!!!!" The nurse responds, "April Fools... It was born dead..." These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. Hhe says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!" A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "How much?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I ca n't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,"$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again." Guy takes his wife to the Doctor... The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS." "What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?" "Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her." John calls in to his job: "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work." The boss says: "You know John, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that." 2 hours later John calls: "Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house." lol! nice find 
Edited Sun Nov 26 2006, 04:32PM
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| jb |
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Registered Member #477
Joined: Thu Nov 02 2006, 03:47AMPosts: 104 |
LOLOLOL!!! Man - you need to get out more. |
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| Grif-Noscope |
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Grif-Noscope
Registered Member #463
Joined: Mon Oct 16 2006, 09:55PMPosts: 50 |
wow thats a disgusting look into bubbl;es mind, all jokes about necrophelia, and pedophilia, and famlily shit, kinda gross. | ||
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| Mr CowboY |
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Registered Member #418
Joined: Fri Sep 08 2006, 08:41PMPosts: 65 |
those were pretty good | ||
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| A Drunk |
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Registered Member #437
Joined: Sat Sep 23 2006, 02:18AMPosts: 1224 |
Why do gay people always check out of hotels ealy? B/c they have their shit packed the night before. What is the similarity between michael jackson and white clam chowder? They both cum on white crackers. A girl wants to go to prom and the prom was in a couple of weeks. So she asks he dad if go to the prom. Her dad was like the only way you can go the prom is if you give me a blowjob. So about a week before the prom, she asks her dad again. He says the same thing, you have to give me a blowjob. She says alright, he pulls down his pants and she starts sucking. The girl stops and looks up at the dad and says dad "why does your cock taste like shit." He said "Because your brother wanted use the car." Edited Sun Nov 26 2006, 09:32PM |
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| GODMADEGUN |
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Where Da White Women AT?
Registered Member #353
Joined: Wed Jul 19 2006, 08:13PMPosts: 108 |
LAWL bubbs thats a nice collection you should find some more | ||
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| nostie |
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Registered Member #185
Joined: Thu Mar 30 2006, 10:42PMPosts: 3167 |
Drunk, a similar joke to your last one was in bubble's collection. NOOB | ||
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| A Drunk |
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Registered Member #437
Joined: Sat Sep 23 2006, 02:18AM Posts: 1224 |
Bubbles typed too much. I also can't read 
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| Wu-banga |
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Registered Member #49
Joined: Tue Dec 06 2005, 01:37AMPosts: 1561 |
LOL so many of them had me laughing | ||
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