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| Wu-banga |
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Registered Member #49
Joined: Tue Dec 06 2005, 01:37AMPosts: 1561 |
R.I.P. Mitch Hedberg! I never wave at people with their hands in their pockets, because they might not have hands...and I don't want to throw that in their face. Like, "Hey motherfucker. Look what I got. This shit is useful." An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience." Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right. Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too." I had an ant farm, but them fellas didn't grow shit. I mean come on, how about some carrots or celery? Plus if I tore your legs off, you'd look like snowmen. Im a mumbler. So when I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he'll be like, "What?" I say it again and he'll be like, "What?" But it some really insignificant shit I am saying, but now I am screaming, "THAT TREE IS FAR AWAY!" Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man? Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!" You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once." I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!" This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard. I saw a fish all by itself, I said, "Dude, you should stay in school." I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Someone needs to tell the turkey "Man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother. You do not need to emulate the other animals. You got your own thing goin'. I used to draw you." (Stares at hand.) Man, if you were missing a couple of fingers, you drew one messed-up turkey. You'd be like, "That turkey's been in an accident." People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?" I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military. I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question. I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows? I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine. I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah." at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated. I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!" You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together". I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because when I tried to walk out, I had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick? You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes! I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refridgerator, blender....all you do is say what the shiit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well that's a fresher....I'm going on break. I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed." I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D". I went to the doctor and all he did was suck blood from my neck. Never go see Dr. Acula. I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...You're supposed to yell "fore," but I was too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him." I hit a guy in one. My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work. I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential. I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. I was going to get a candy bar, the button I was supposed to push is HH. So I pressed the H button twice. Potato chips came out! Turns out there was an HH button. You gotta let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of HH. I did not learn my AA BB CCs. I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be f***** up People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic! The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough." You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!" On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana? I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end. he depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played one once. Those fuckers are relentless. You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast. I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly. My friend said to me, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause." You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes. I have an rotating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING! I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me." Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like hoagies? All-encompassingly... I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go cart with my ex-landlord. I had a velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction. A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I needed to rewrite it. I said, "fuck that, I'll just make a copy." I want a vending machine with fun size candy bars and the glass in the front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad... but it'll be too late When I went to England to tell this joke, I had to find out if they knew who Smokey the Bear was. But they didn't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought "Man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog..." You never say 'here comes that frog' in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. "Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he'll settle near me, and I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16-ounce world. I have a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications...I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your queen up too!" When I was a kid, I laid awake in my twin-sized bed wonderin' where my brother was... I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry." So it died. If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals because you will run out. A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone. The dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Holy shit! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!" You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print 'shake well' on the carton, cause you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, 'Shake to the best of your ability.' |
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| Skitso |
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When you least expect it...
Registered Member #401
Joined: Sun Aug 27 2006, 12:08AMPosts: 25 |
Mitch Hedberg is the man. | ||
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| kd. |
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♥ (✿◠‿◠) ♥
Registered Member #75
Joined: Sat Dec 17 2005, 08:51PMPosts: 3128 |
I read all of these. LOL! I need more. | ||
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| DarkNarf |
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Surf Owner/Operator
Registered Member #29
Joined: Tue Nov 29 2005, 01:47AMPosts: 409 |
aww hedburg died? | ||
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| Madvillain |
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Registered Member #445
Joined: Sun Oct 01 2006, 11:42PMPosts: 2233 |
oohhhh man i knew this name was so familiar but i couldnt put a figure on it. I say this guy on comedy central and had me rollin'. The long haired dude died? how? | ||
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| SquaLo.9988 |
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Ownage in a Can
Registered Member #423
Joined: Tue Sep 12 2006, 12:06PMPosts: 72 |
I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!" lol, he's(was) a funny man. Shame that he died, I need some more stuff to make me laugh. |
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| Skitso |
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When you least expect it...
Registered Member #401
Joined: Sun Aug 27 2006, 12:08AM Posts: 25 |
DarkNarf wrote ... He's been dead since March 29th, 05.
aww hedburg died? |
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| Noname|Boom |
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That one guy...
Registered Member #250
Joined: Tue May 09 2006, 11:59PMPosts: 2603 |
DarkNarf wrote ... aww hedburg died? Skitso wrote ... lol!
He's been dead since March 29th, 05. |
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| Wu-banga |
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Registered Member #49
Joined: Tue Dec 06 2005, 01:37AM Posts: 1561 |
Madvillain wrote ... oohhhh man i knew this name was so familiar but i couldnt put a figure on it. I say this guy on comedy central and had me rollin'. The long haired dude died? how? partyed too hard 1 night thats all i heard |
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| AwsedreswA |
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Registered Member #223
Joined: Wed Apr 26 2006, 10:53PMPosts: 126 |
I like rice too | ||
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